One of our problems in resolving the conflicts we have with one another is that we do not have the necessary negotiation skills.  As a result we are trapped in the way we always do things and we reach a stubborn impasse with people with each one refusing to shift from their position.  How can we break this pattern?

We can readily learn from Abigail whose story we read about in 1 Samuel 25. Nabal who was Abigail’s husband had refused assistance to David’s men and David was about to go and put Nabal and his men to the sword ( v22 and v34 ).  One of the comments about Nabal was “ that he is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him” ( v 17 ).  I believe we need to be careful in our communication that we do not become so entrenched and so stubborn that we get a reputation that no one can talk to us.

Abigail adopted some sensible tactics with her negotiation with David to avoid the impending disaster.

1. She remained respectful- and this to someone who was about to kill off all the males in the household. “She bowed down before David with her face to the ground.” V23.
2. She was humble- even taking the blame to protect her household.  She acknowledges  “I did not see the men my master sent “
3. She affirmed the relationship- she offered food and wine. This is a good way of negotiating. Show some forethought and treat each other as we would want to be treated.
4. Abigail understood David’s underlying interest.  She knew David was very annoyed at the way Nabal had dismissed his men. She also knew that if David put them all to the sword he would lose his good conscience before God so she appealed to that interest. “ my master will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself.” ( v31) This brought about David’s change of heart and respect  “ Go home in peace.  I have heard your words and granted your request.” ( v 35 )

The more you can understand what really motivates people to act the way they do or to take the position they do the more likely you are to reach and develop an acceptable solution.  I will repeat a verse from Phil 2:4 I mentioned in a former article. “ Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. “

That is one key to learning effective negotiation skills. Give it a go.

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